Blogger of the Year ...

Here is how my nightmare goes ...

After years of blogging, I'm being acknowledged for my superior writing skills and of course my wit ... I'm seen as the next Erma Bombeck AND the best mother ever ... I'm constantly asked, "How do you do it all and manage to be so gorgeous, too?". But the only thing I can think about is all the pressure. Now, I have to blog. It's no longer fun ... and the worst part ... I'm not longer anonymous.

Articles about me are first on the Internet, then picked up by the local papers, then a national story, and finally I'm contacted by Barbara Walters ... she wants a one on one interview to air in a special show all about me. I'm worried ... can I do an interview and not swear? My mom would say, "NO ... never in a million years ... trust me ... I know" .

Please, I pray, don't ask me what kind of tree I'd like to be ...
Here is how the interview goes ...

B.W. - "How has motherhood changed you?"

Me - "I'm no longer grossed out by boogers. I now see them as an important food source for my kids."

B.W. - (after a long, stunned, pause) "How do you feel about other bodily fluids?"

Me - "Oh ... I embrace them ... just yesterday, while having a tender moment hugging my son ... he peed on me to let me know how much he loves me.

What about the poop? Well, what would any day be without wiping a multitude of butts?

What if it gets on your hand? I'm just grateful it's not in my hair.

The vomit? Don't you know? We mom's use that to get out of having sex with our husbands. We make sure it's in our hair AND on our clothes ... it's a very useful tool."

B.W. - "Wow ... you're really good at answering your own questions."

Me - (ha ha)

B.W. - "How did being pregnant, first with a singleton and then 6 months later with TWINS! at the age of 43! change your body?"

Me - "Do you want to hear my definition of all the different words used for "Breasts"?"

B.W. - "Ummm ... Would you just answer the question?"

Me - "Oh come on ... you'll enjoy it ... we have an hour to fill."

B.W. - "Ummm ... we can always edit it out ..."

Me - "Trust me ... it's all gold ... here's the break down ...

Breasts = the word for the young and dating

Milk Duds = for the woman who wants to breast feed but can't

Boobs = for the moms who know the feeling of having a work load placed on their chest and now see the destructive aftermath in the mirror each day

Tits = are for tramps

It's funny, right? This is the kind of thing my readers have been enjoying for years."

(I notice at this point that Barbara has a strange look on her face ... and I sense that she thinks the interview is not going well ... I've been trying to stay on topic but as usual I'm probably babbling all over the place ... so I suggest a story of a recent shopping trip because it relates to the whole boob thing and it may liven things up ...)

Me - "I'll tell you a short story ... On a recent shopping trip to Target a sympathetic mom stopped me when she noticed my knees shaking badly ... "Can I help you?" she asked, " I noticed your knees are shaking badly." ... "Oh, thanks for your concern", I say, "But those are my boobs ... I tuck them into my pants when I shop so they don't get in the way."

(I sense she doesn't think my story is funny ... I'm starting to sweat a little ... I'm frantically trying to remember what the question was ... Oh yeah ... How has birthing three babies changed my body ... okay, I'll answer that and try to make her happy)

Me - "Going back to the original question ... How has my body changed? Well, for starters, when I brush my teeth naked now, my boobs hit the counter when I lean over the sink. I'm sure you can imagine how startling that is when they come in contact with the cold hard tile."

(And, of course, I laugh at how funny I think I am)

B.W. - "We all as parents say things we never thought we would ever say. What things have you said that you've been surprised about?"

Me - (ha ha ha) "Yes, I'm sure we all do it. A few things come to mind like ... "Who peed on the floor?" ... "Why is there a booger on the counter?" ... "Why does the whole house smell like poop" ... "Is that giant booger from YOUR nose?"

You know, one of the funniest things I say is, "Use your inside voices". I hear other mothers using this phrase to get their kids to stop yelling in the library. I use that phrase to make other moms think I'm trying to get my kids to be quiet. The reality is that those ARE my kids inside voices ... I always get a good laugh when I say that."

(Now, I'm sweating profusely. She hasn't smiled once during the entire interview ... and I'm giving her my best stuff ... I'm pretty sure she is about to discover her mistake ... I really only have 20 followers ... 11 of them refuse to acknowledge publicly that they like my blog ... but I continue on ... hoping I can get her plastic face to smile)

B.W. - "How were you able to lose all the baby weight"

Me - "Naked butt shots on the refrigerator and the pantry."

(come on Babs ... this is my best stuff ... not even a snicker for that one? ... I continue...)

"I had read that other women like to take photos of their feet while standing on the scale, so they can record the number on the scale getting smaller. But, I thought that would be easy to cheat on. My scale is right next to my sink and I could easily put my hand there and push up to make that number go down. Then one day I thought ... why not take a photo of my naked butt in the mirror each Monday morning ... one flexed, one regular ... and tape them to all the food sources in my house. If I have to look at that each time I reach for food, surely that sight would deter me. What I didn't anticipate is the side benefit ... My husband was able to lose the 30 pounds he gained also. He even had the added incentive of seeing my butt more often, so naturally he lost his extra weight first"

B.W. - (clears throat and boldly plows on) "All moms talk about how exhausted they were in the beginning. For me, I was yawning all day and had to drink an extra cup of coffee. How was your experience with that?"

Me - "Well I was thinking I was starting to have a problem when, one day, whilst sitting on the toilet, I realized that no one was crying and no one had followed me to talk. I was savoring the peace and quiet when I happened to look at my underwear and noticed they were on inside out and backwards. I laughed a little because I'd been thinking all morning that my butt must be getting huge because my underwear felt different. I left them that way ... I was just too tired to take off my shoes to change them around. Later that same morning, I noticed my shirt was inside out so I started to check all my clothes, luckily it ended there ... until the next day. ( I suddenly had a new awareness of my appearance, I guess). I had just returned home from grocery shopping and ran to use the bathroom ... as I was washing my hands I noticed I had some disgusting looking substance on my shirt ... and it was on inside out ... then I saw I had on two different earrings AND two different shoes ... the earrings I can understand ... but the shoes? How could I not notice that?

But ... it was not until later that afternoon that I finally admitted that I couldn't go on this tired ... I fell off the chair I was sitting on while I was breast pumping because I had fallen asleep. I decided, at that point, that it would probably be in my best interest to just stay there and sleep for a bit. Unfortunately, this is how my friend found me when she came in a while later. I have convinced myself that the shock on her face was because she was concerned for my well being ... but I fear that the shock was really a product of her getting a gander of my giant boobs."

B.W. - (just stares at me for a moment then says ...) "In closing, I must say that you have surprised me with how much, and the type, of information you think is appropriate to share.

Me - "Well, frankly, once you've gone through IVF, pregnancy, and childbirth and you've had multitudes of people sticking hands, scopes, and various other objects into you, plus hundreds of total strangers seeing you naked ... nothing seems off limits anymore.